When love starts to feel like control
When love starts to feel like control
One of the reasons coercive control can be so difficult to recognize is because they can start with charm, generosity, rescuing and persistence, and small moments that leave you wondering, am I the problem?
Coercive control is a pattern of direct or indirect behaviors with the purpose of slowly eroding someone's autonomy. The controlling partner experiences safety through control. They feel more secure when they know where you are, what you're thinking, who you're spending time with, and ultimately, when your decisions begin revolving around their emotional state.
Of course, that safety is an illusion. But for the person on the receiving end, the consequences are very real. One of the things that makes coercive control so deceptive is that it often begins when you're most capable of leaving, but least likely to recognize what's happening. The behaviors are subtle. They can look thoughtful, attentive, even loving.
One of the earliest signs I talk with clients about is persistence. Not persistence in the healthy sense of pursuing connection, but persistence that doesn't respect your autonomy.
You may say no to something like, “No, I don’t want to go out tonight I’m tired.”
They hear, I just haven't convinced you yet.
Over time, your "no" becomes something they negotiate instead of something they respect.
Imagine asking someone for space after a disagreement, only for them to show up at your home with dinner, gifts for your children, and a grand romantic gesture. When you express that your boundary was crossed, they respond with, "I can't believe you're upset. I was just trying to do something nice."
Suddenly you're apologizing for having a boundary instead of noticing it was ignored. That's how self-trust begins to erode. Death by a thousand cuts. Years of small and not-so-small moments like this.
As coercive control progresses, the behaviors often become more recognizable. There may be monitoring, tracking, isolation from friends or family, financial control, criticism, name-calling, or subtle ways of making you feel guilty for having needs, opinions, or relationships outside of the partnership.
What often changes first isn't your behavior. It's your internal world. You start feeling exhausted. Confused. Hypervigilant. Decision-making becomes incredibly difficult because every choice comes with another question:
"If I do this, what's it going to cost me later?"
If you’d like to learn more about coercive control… listen to the podcast here where Jenean and Jeremy discuss coercive control, the signs, and what to do about it.
Meet Jenean!
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT163050) She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
