What Is Betrayal Trauma?
What is Betrayal Trauma?
What is Betrayal?
Betrayal is a broad term that can refer to many things. You can be betrayed by an institution, a friend, or a coworker. What the Center for Integrative Change focuses on is intimate partner betrayal. What that means is that someone in a relationship has been a victim of infidelity, whether it is a one-time affair or full-blown sex addiction. For many couples, porn use and addiction can also be included in the realm of betrayal. The betrayal may look a little different in each situation, but there are a few key factors of intimate partner betrayal:
The betrayal occurred between partners in a romantic relationship
The betrayal included one partner stepping outside of the agreed upon boundaries of the relationship
The betrayal was hidden from the partner, either by means of lies, deception, and/or gaslighting
Am I a betrayed partner?
Betrayed partners can be men or women. Many betrayal trauma resources use female pronouns for betrayed partners because the current research points towards betrayed partners being largely female. However, this does not mean that betrayal does not happen to males in heterosexual relationships or to either partner in same sex relationships.
How do I know if I have betrayal trauma?
You can be betrayed in a relationship without having betrayal trauma. However, if there was any lying or deception present, the odds are that you will be affected with some level of betrayal trauma. The level of trauma you experience does not necessarily correlate with the level of betrayal you experienced. If you want to know if you are dealing with trauma from an intimate partner betrayal, you can ask yourself if you have multiple of the symptoms below:
Denial/Shock
Shame
Sadness/Hopelessness
Feeling Numb
Hypervigilence
Panic Attacks
Undereating/overeating
Insomnia
Fatigue
Difficulty Concentrating
Intrusive Thoughts/Nightmares
If you find yourself with many of these symptoms, you may be experiencing betrayal trauma. These symptoms can range from mildly affecting your daily life to severely affecting it.
Does the betrayer have to be a sex addict?
If you were to Google betrayal trauma, terms used to describe the betraying partner may include betraying partner, sex addict, or addict. However, spouses can betray you without having any sort of addiction.
Additionally, as mentioned above, the type of betrayal you experienced does not correlate to the level of betrayal trauma you experience. Since betrayal is personal, a “less intense” betrayal does not automatically lead to “less intense” betrayal trauma symptoms. In fact, the level of deceit is what actually correlates to the level of betrayal trauma experienced.
How do I get rid of betrayal trauma?
The good news is that betrayal trauma is absolutely something you can heal from. However, it’s not a quick or easy fix. Healing from betrayal trauma requires doing vulnerable work that you didn’t ask to do. To start the healing process, I would recommend finding a specialized therapist and some good resources.
There are so many resources available, but not all of them are good. (FYI - Reddit threads are tempting to look at but usually not helpful.) Here are a few resources that I personally recommend to almost every client.
The Betrayal Bind* by Michelle Hayes
Facing Heartbreak* Workbook
Betrayal Recovery Radio Podcast
A therapist specialized in betrayal trauma recovery. You can use this search tool to find therapists that have been trained by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). For betrayal trauma, you can specially search for CPTT (Certified Partner Trauma Therapist) or APTT (Associate Partner Trauma Therapist). I am a CPTT licensed therapist in the state of California but can also provide partner trauma coaching worldwide.
Do I still have betrayal trauma if the relationship is over?
Betrayal trauma doesn’t disappear just because a relationship ends. You should commit to your own healing whether you decide to remain in the relationship that had betrayal or not. If you decide to stay in the relationship, and both partners commit to the work, your relationship can also heal.
*Affiliate Link
Healing from betrayal trauma is possible, and you don't have to go through it alone. Whether you're trying to understand what you're experiencing, rebuild your sense of safety, or decide what comes next in your relationship, having specialized support can make a meaningful difference.
If you're ready to begin your healing journey, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. Together, we'll create a safe, compassionate space to help you process your experience, regain confidence, and move toward healing at your own pace.
Learn more about Jorden's approach and request your free consultation through her clinician profile at the Center for Integrative Change.
Meet Jorden!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, LMFT (154707), LPCC (22741) CPTT, is a lisenced marriage and family therapist. She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, son, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
