Being vs Doing
Being vs Doing
When we live in survival mode, whether we are in the trauma state of fight, flight or fix, we are dependent upon an external source for safety. In survival, the focus is on DOING, what can I DO next to ensure safety? Can I fix this, can I fight this or do I need to escape this? We do not have the luxury of exploring internal safety, which might involve grieving losses, recognizing our needs, or even knowing who we are. We cannot afford to simply BE, we must focus instead on what we can DO in order to survive.
As children, we are completely dependent upon the adults in our lives to keep us safe. We naturally orient ourselves outward for safety. As we mature, and arrive in our teenage years, we begin to recognize that we can make choices for ourselves to keep ourselves safe. We begin orienting inward for safety as we learn by trial and error who we are and what we value.
If we were lucky enough to have been born in to a secure family, chances are we organically feel safe in our own bodies and do not live in survival, protective mode. Why is that? Because the adults in our lives have supported us through hard times and painful feelings, offering us guidance, nurturing and boundaries. We thus have enough internal confidence to navigate challenges and emotional distress.
If, however, we were raised in violent, abusive or neglectful homes, our identities harden into a protective stance, and we lose our ability to just BE. Often, until our teenage years, we have responded to unsafe adults with the “fix” trauma response, complying and shrinking to protect ourselves. Once the teenage years arrive, we sometimes move into a fight or flight response, due to having more agency over our lives. Once we are fully adult, in our twenties, our trauma responses (fight, flight or fix) are firmly established patterns of engaging with the world.
The problem is, it is exhausting to be in survival mode, compelled to protect, to always be DOING something. The people around us don’t like it either, they often point out the impact we are having on them and it hurts. Somewhere deep inside, we have a gut level feeling that there has got to be more to life than proving, protecting, surviving, DOING. The good news is: it is never too late to grow!
In therapy, we begin to dig deeper, to explore who you are, what parts have been protecting you for so long, and why they had to. As we do so, something shifts, space opens up and we begin orienting inward into BEING. The process can be painful as we discover grief and loss, unmet needs and pain. Nevertheless, we recognize the value in honestly feeling our feelings, BEING with ourselves and caring for ourselves. In therapy, the therapist offers support, guidance, and boundaries. Slowly we grow, we mature. We can’t always describe in words the ways in which we have changed along the way, I have heard it said: I feel more like MYSELF now. Welcome to secure adulthood!
If you’re feeling stuck in survival mode—constantly doing, fixing, or protecting—and are ready to begin reconnecting with yourself, therapy can help you move toward a more grounded, secure way of being. Shoshana Thaler works with individuals navigating trauma, identity, and emotional overwhelm, offering a supportive space to explore, heal, and grow. To learn more or schedule a session, reach out to Center for Integrative Change.
Meet Shoshana!
About The Author
Shoshana is a licensed clinician in the state of Pennsylvania (PC019616). Shoshana supports adult individuals and couples in healing from betrayal, addiction, infidelity, and trauma. When she is not at work, she can be found walking with friends, doing yoga, at the library finding science books for her little guy, or shopping and cooking with her teenagers. She loves the ocean and hiking in nature.
