A Fantasy of Leaving to Change Them
A Fantasy of Leaving to Change Them
One thing that has stood out to me lately in both my couples and individual work with clients is an observation about what it means when someone says they want to leave a relationship.
Sometimes when we circle around the fantasy of leaving, it can be that leaving is not really about separation. It is more about finally being recognized, seen or understood.
There can be a belief that:
If I leave, they'll finally understand how much I've done.
If I leave, they'll finally understand how much I've mattered.
If I disappear, they'll finally feel what I've been feeling.
When they lose me, they'll finally want to change and become the partner I've been asking for.
In that way, I see leaving as a communication strategy rather than an actual decision to end the partnership.
What I want my clients, and anyone thinking about this, to do is get curious-–not about whether this move is right or wrong—but about what they might be hoping (consciously or unconsciously) will happen after they go.
Because if the answer isn't, about owning their future, or building their new life… in many ways they are still psychologically in the relationship, playing solo chess. Maybe unconsciously or consciously there’s hope:
They’ll chase me.
They’ll wake up.
They’ll finally understand.
They’ll suffer the way I've suffered.
In these cases, I see leaving as an attempt to regulate the relationship or gain some control back rather than a real acceptance that it is ending. The person who is leaving is often still deeply inside the relationship, making decisions in the hope that something else will happen.
Key Takeaways
Sometimes the desire to leave is not truly about ending the relationship. It may reflect a longing to finally feel seen, understood, or valued.
Leaving can become a communication strategy. Some people unconsciously hope separation will force their partner to change or recognize their pain.
Hidden hopes often drive decisions. Thoughts like “they will finally understand” or “they will chase me” may signal unresolved emotional needs.
Adult relationship struggles can connect to childhood attachment wounds. Early experiences with caregivers often shape how we seek emotional connection.
Many relational behaviors are attempts to feel understood. Anger, withdrawal, or even leaving can sometimes reflect unmet emotional needs.
You cannot control how a partner responds. Separation may not lead to the growth, understanding, or change someone hoped for.
Change driven by fear is not true intimacy. Compliance from fear of loss rarely creates lasting emotional connection or healing.
Real relational work requires honesty. Naming unmet needs directly is often more effective than indirect strategies.
Therapy helps uncover what is happening underneath conflict. Exploring emotional patterns, attachment wounds, and expectations can bring clarity.
Sometimes leaving is the right decision. But leaving to truly end a relationship is different from leaving in hopes someone will become who you need them to be.
This touches on another important part of therapy. Often, our adult relationships activate older attachment wounds and longings that began with caregivers earlier in life.
As children, many of our strategies are attempts to get a parent to see and understand what we are feeling. We cry. We become angry. We withdraw. We become invisible. These are attempts to solve the same problem: How can I get them to see how I'm feeling inside?
Sometimes, leaving a relationship functions in a similar way. Somewhere deep down, the one leaving is still hoping someone will come find them.
The difficulty is that once someone leaves, the left partner may move on, feel relieved, or feel sad but not change. We can't control how our partners respond to our actions. This is one reason why leaving in this way can make people feel more unseen; what they had hoped for, doesn't arrive.
I think part of this move is driven by the belief that if we aren’t getting what we need, then we can create conditions that force a response.
The problem is that genuine intimacy depends on freedom.
If my partner changes because they are terrified of losing me, that is not necessarily understanding. That's compliance. And compliance rarely satisfies that deeper need. This is why people often separate, come back together, experience some change for a little while, and then slip back into the same relational issues. The deeper issues were never fully understood or talked about.
So in couples therapy, what we hope to work on is:
What am I trying to communicate?
What's happening inside of me when I don't feel understood/seen? Can I express that directly?
Can I tolerate the possibility that my partner may never become the person who gives me what I'm asking for?
The harder relational work is naming our needs, exploring what isn't being received, and realistically finding out whether our partner can offer us what we want.
And sometimes leaving is the right choice.
But leaving to end a relationship is very different from leaving in the hope that someone will finally become the person we need them to be.
If this resonates with you, know that you don't have to navigate these questions alone. Contact Helena Habes or the team at Center for Integrative Change to learn how therapy can help you better understand yourself, your relationships, and the choices in front of you.
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About The Author
Helena Habes, MS, AMFT, an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT15024), is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). With a strong background in addiction treatment, Helena brings a compassionate, trauma-informed approach to therapy, creating a safe and supportive space for individuals and couples to heal and grow. Helena empowers clients to make lasting changes, strengthen their relationships, and create healthier patterns of communication and intimacy.
