Why Blaming Doesn’t Help and What to do Instead
Why Blaming Doesn’t Help and What to do Instead
(Learning to Red Flag myself)
I have learned over the years that when I find myself focusing relentlessly on how someone is causing me pain, and that I need them to change in order to be ok, I am barking up the wrong tree. I am “red flagging”. I am in the wrong lane. I need to reroute.
The truth is, my pain is mine to feel and manage. My triggers are essentially my responsibility to regulate, regardless of why they exist and who caused them to be present. Regardless of whether they choose to change, I can truly be ok.
The problem with waiting for someone else to soothe my pain, or to change in order for me to be ok, is that I have placed myself in an unnecessarily vulnerable position, my power is now in someone else’s hands, and often, in the hands of someone who may not be able to help me at all, because they are the ones that trigger the pain. In order to be ok, I need to take my power back.
If blaming another is a red flag for me, and when I find myself doing so, I need to reroute and come back to my lane, what does my lane look/sound like and what are my tasks when I’m in my own lane?
In my own lane, I can begin to tune in to myself. Here is what I’m really expressing when I’m blaming someone for my pain: “I am so very hurt by your behavior. My distress is so great, I don’t know what to do with it, how to manage it, how to calm down, what to do next. I’m afraid that if this behavior continues, I will have to consider boundaries that I am not yet ready to set. I’m afraid. I’m hurting. I’m alone.”
In my lane, my task is to meet my pain and show up to soothe and manage it. In my lane I come face to face with my feelings, and I am called upon to listen,validate, and hold space for my distress. In my lane, I can offer myself unconditional support and caring so that I do not feel so alone. I can offer myself grounding skills, breathing exercise, parts work, tapping, journaling. In my lane, I can practice reaching out for support by calling a trusted friend. I can reach out to my therapist; I can go for a walk and tune into the beauty of nature; I can attend a support group. I can even decide to distract myself by watching funny reels or going shopping. The list goes on and on, we can be endlessly creative with our healing journey, coming up with a custom-made plan that works for us.
By doing so, we take our power back, and begin to feel less despair, less powerless and less alone.
In my office, I support you in holding space for your triggers. I teach you how to recognize and manage your triggers, we explore why those are your particular triggers, and what you can do to soothe and regulate them. Once you have learned how to manage your triggers and meet your needs, you may find yourself ready to consider your boundaries and make requests that honor yourself in relationships.
About The Author
Shoshana is a licensed clinician (MA) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults as well as couples. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
