Trusting Again After Partner Betrayal
Trusting Again After Partner Betrayal
Betrayal is always painful. Being betrayed by the person you love and trust the most is a whole other level of hurt and confusion. It leads you on a deeper journey of self-reflection and honesty searching than you likely ever wanted to go on. As you work your way through your own recovery, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself, “Am I going to choose to trust this person again?” if you remain partnered, or even “Can I trust anyone in the context of intimate relationships ever again?” We will explore three big ideas that can help answer these questions.
1. Assess the Risk
Choosing to trust someone is never going to be 100% safe. People constantly let one another down. We are always assessing the level of risk and vulnerability we are comfortable with. With our partners, the trust we have with them is usually the safest trust we have in our lives - the closest to 100% we can get with another human being. But when they are the ones who betrayed us, we can get stuck on how to trust them - or another intimate partner - again.
Part of trusting your partner after betrayal does come from a logical risk assessment point of view. While it may never be 100% safe to trust them, are they showing consistency and transparency in their lives that you haven’t seen or felt in your gut before? Additionally, are they following all the boundaries that have been set? Are they taking accountability for their actions without going into defensiveness or chronic shame? When these answers are yes, it means the relational environment is showing that it can be trustworthy. And as you can probably imagine, this takes time and consistency.
2. Honor & Soothe Our Self-Protection Part
However, oftentimes betrayed partners will come to me and say that their partner is doing everything they can to rebuild trust, yet they still can’t take the leap to trust them. When I get curious about why this is, it becomes obvious that there is a part of these people that is so strongly trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. And a lot of times, this part is screaming, “If you trust them and then they hurt you again, then you are the stupidest person on the planet. What did you expect?” From this point of view, it can be easy to see why betrayed partners are so hesitant to choose to trust. But when it is blocking them and/or their relationship from moving forward, this protective part is less helpful.
So how do we soothe this protective part so that we can choose to trust? As woo woo as it sounds, I think it is so important to acknowledge the good intentions that the protective part has, and thank that part for all the work it has been putting into protecting you. Then, you can acknowledge that although you appreciate the good intentions, it is not the most helpful for you right now. Ask it to spend its energy doing something it would rather be doing.
3. Become Anchored in What You Know Now
Once that protective part has been soothed, the key is to allow yourself to be anchored in what you know now. This requires accepting that you are not a mind reader or a fortune teller, and all you can do is make a decision based on the information you have now. It means accepting that you are allowed to make mistakes and that making mistakes does not mean you are stupid. It also means using your wisdom to make a choice. Earlier I talked about being able to feel a difference in your relationship. This isn’t measurable, but it is invaluable to your own inner wisdom. And be honest with yourself. Are your boundaries being met? Is your partner showing up consistently? Are the risk assessment levels reasonable? Are you allowing yourself to be anchored in what you know now and releasing the responsibility of being in charge of someone else’s choices?
If you don’t have professional help along this journey, I urge you to find some support. This is hard stuff and learning to be anchored into the present while releasing responsibility for others is a lot of work. I promise you though, it is worth it.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, LMFT, APCC a lisenced marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
