Alexithymia: the loss of self in shame
Understanding the Emotional Landscape of Alexithymia
The Experience of Being Less Alone
Alexithymia can be an incredibly lonely state. When you struggle to recognize or describe your emotions, it can feel as if you’re fundamentally unknown — not only to others but also to yourself.
The Ripple of Feeling
Then comes the next wave — the feeling of being special.
Suddenly, the struggle doesn’t feel ordinary. It feels meaningful, even dignified: “I’m not broken, I’m just complex.”
But this sense of uniqueness can swing back quickly — crashing into confusion, isolation, and shame. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just feel normally?
That swing is a key insight. It points to the root beneath alexithymia — shame.
Shame: The Hidden Core
Shame says, “At my core, I’m bad.”
It often develops in childhood when our emotional needs go unseen or unmet. When a caregiver consistently overlooks a child’s feelings, the child learns that emotions are unsafe or unwelcome. Disconnecting from emotions — alexithymia — becomes a form of self-protection.
If I don’t feel, I can’t be hurt.
But this emotional disconnection isn’t a true absence of feelings — it’s a defense against pain. Healing means learning to reconnect safely with what’s been hidden.
The Process of Healing
Working through alexithymia is messy, slow, and deeply human. In therapy, the goal isn’t to force feelings but to gently notice them — to reintroduce yourself to the parts of you that had to go quiet for safety.
It’s not a quick fix. It’s a practice — one that takes patience, compassion, and courage.
I’ve experienced this work firsthand. There are still moments of murkiness and discomfort, but there are also moments of deep aliveness — of warmth, color, and connection.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You Are Not Alone
At Center for Integrative Change, we understand how confusing and isolating it can feel to be disconnected from your emotions.
Our therapists are here to help you explore, understand, and reconnect with your inner world — at your own pace, in your own way.
Reach out today. You deserve to feel seen, understood, and whole.
About The Author
Alex is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT134332) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (CAMFT90961). Alex’s experience includes trauma work, psychodynamic training, crisis intervention, and providing therapy in private practice High School and correctional facility settings. In his free time, Alex enjoys surfing and writing short stories and poems.
