Termination
Termination
We therapists commonly refer to the ending of our work with a client as a ”termination,” as if the client were a bug and we are their psychological exterminator, here to eliminate their problem and ultimately them forever. This grim choice of word is illustrative of the difficulty both therapist and client have with the ending phase of therapy. Termination does describe an ending, but one that is sudden and severe, as if the best way to deal with the loss is to simply sever from it completely. Though this word may reflect accurately the pain that is involved with ending a therapeutic relationship, it does not speak to the vital and reparative aspect of saying goodbye. This saying goodbye is every bit as important as any other phase of therapy and can be a truly transformative experience for those that complete it.
When we talk about the ending of therapy we are really talking about the loss of a relationship. And, if the client and therapist have been seeing each other for sufficiently long the client will be losing a relationship with tremendous intimacy, trust, even dependence. This is fertile therapeutic soil.
Most people have wounds in their life from loss. To start, our culture seems to be terrified of loss and creates a milieu that fosters an unhealthy relationship to it: see our obsession with the young and the new; ghosting as a nearly-normalized way to end a romantic relationship; the political convulsions our nation is undergoing as some attempt to cling to a dead and romanticized past while others advocate moving on without consideration for what their fellow citizens are leaving behind.
Then, there are the infinite wrinkles of individual experience of unresolved loss: a child is forced to experience the loss that is an abusive parent while still needing to clutch desperately to that parent as they are the only available source of love and nurturing; a loved one dies tragically and you are unable to say goodbye; a romantic partner betrays you and the searing of that pain causes you to immediately eject and protect yourself.
These unresolved losses have a special way of layering and densifying- loss compounds. But what happens when scar tissue stops serving to protect our wounds and prevents us from feeling when we reach out to touch the world.
Saying goodbye to a therapist you have attached to inevitably brings these unresolved losses to the surface, like an earthquake erupting a string of dormant volcanoes. The client can then deal with these losses and learn to say goodbye in a way that is not arrested or incomplete or terminal. This starts with processing the loss of the therapist and the void that will be when they are gone. What needs to fill that void is not scabrous protective tissue covering raw open wound. The only thing that can fill that void is the relationship itself, the memories you have, good and bad (it must be everything), of what the relationship was. By learning to do this with the loss of the relationship with the therapist you may learn to do this with the other unresolved losses of your life. That is not an experience you would want to lose out on.
About The Author
Alex is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT134332) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (CAMFT90961). Alex’s experience includes trauma work, psychodynamic training, crisis intervention, and providing therapy in private practice High School and correctional facility settings. In his free time, Alex enjoys surfing and writing short stories and poems.
