What the Sex Addict Wishes He Could Say
What the Sex Addict Wishes He Could Say
In my work with people who are diagnosed with sex addiction, it is evident that there are so many misconceptions, judgements and shaming attitudes that the addict encounters. Let's be real, sex addiction causes deep pain and suffering in relationships, it hits at the core of intimacy between partners and creates breaches of trust that can feel really hard to bridge. It is natural for the people who are hurt to be angry, to blame, shame and judge the addict. Nevertheless, for the addict in early recovery, there is much to learn and tall goals to reach. In order to heal, the addict needs support, caring and guidance as they navigate life without their “drug of choice”. I know how hard it is for the betrayed partner to put aside their pain and try to reach across the aisle to understand the addict. This blog post is written to help make it a little bit easier.
Here are some points the addict wishes he can express:
It is not your fault I’m an addict, you did nothing wrong and are not to blame at all for my addiction. (even if I say the opposite, this is the truth).
I became an addict because I didn't have the guidance or tools to soothe myself in any other way, I never meant to hurt you, I was just trying to cope with my own pain.
The addiction saved me, it was my solace, my best attempt at coping, I couldn't allow myself to know that it was so destructive.
It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you about my addiction, I was too afraid to, I couldn’t imagine losing you, you mean so much to me and I was terrified you would reject me if you knew.
My self-esteem is really low, (even though I may present as grandiose). I carry a lot of guilt and shame which is easily triggered and hard to regulate.
When I lash out at you or the kids, it’s because shame has overwhelmed me and I failed to regulate it. It is never because you deserve to be yelled at and I feel a deep sense of guilt when I do lash out.
The reason I struggle to share my feelings and needs with you, is because I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or needs as a child, I never had space to be my own person and know myself. I’m working on developing self-awareness so that I can have meaningful, connected conversations with you.
Although I wish I could offer you the empathy you deserve for the pain I caused, I am severely deficient in this skill. As I grow in knowing my own feelings, thoughts and needs, it becomes possible for me to see your feelings, thoughts and needs and offer you empathy.
I have so many new skills to learn, things I should have learned when I was a kid. My addiction was my escape from the pain, I am now learning how to face my pain, low self-worth and the trauma’s I experienced. I wish I could catch up faster, but it takes time.
This is a request which I know is so hard, maybe even impossible,and I understand if you cannot fulfill it: Even though I hurt you so much, I can use all the kindness, caring, support and understanding as I work really hard to change. I am committed to change, I don’t like who I have become as a result of my addiction and I am ready to do whatever it takes to heal the pain between us. It would help me so much if you would try to understand the hard work I am investing in so that our relationship can have a second chance. Thank you!!
If this resonates with you, please reach out to me or our client care specialist. We are here to listen and support you.
About The Author
Shoshana is a pre-licensed clinician supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
