Is Contempt Silently Undermining Your Relationship? How to Recognize It and Begin to Heal
Is Contempt Silently Undermining Your Relationship? How to Recognize It and Begin to Heal
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone you love feeling dismissed, belittled, or like your words didn’t matter? That deep ache in your chest or tightness in your throat might be telling you something important: you may have just experienced contempt and it's one of the most damaging patterns in any relationship.
Contempt doesn’t always look like yelling or name-calling. Sometimes it’s quieter: a subtle eye-roll, sarcasm passed off as a joke, or a smirk that says “you don’t matter.” Whether you’ve been on the receiving end or have noticed it coming out in moments of overwhelm or defense, learning how contempt shows up is the first step toward transforming it.
What Is Contempt and Why Is It So Harmful?
Contempt is more than just irritation or frustration. It carries a sharp edge of superiority, a toxic mix of judgment and rejection that cuts deep. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, identified contempt as the number one predictor of divorce.
It often slips into relationships in these ways:
Eye-rolls or scoffing during conversations
Sarcasm or biting humor that lands as hurtful
Mocking tone or imitation when your partner shares something
Name-calling or subtle put-downs
Dismissing or minimizing your partner’s feelings or needs
Over time, contempt erodes emotional safety. It tells the other person: “You’re beneath me,” or worse, “You don’t matter.” When left unchecked, it becomes a slow, quiet poison in the relationship leaving both people feeling distant, unseen, and hurt.
Why Contempt Can Be Hard to Recognize
If you grew up in an environment where emotional safety wasn’t modeled where sarcasm was normal or affection was laced with criticism, contempt might feel familiar. You might even mistake it for passion or playfulness.
As a therapist, I often work with individuals and couples who are stuck in painful patterns of miscommunication, disconnection, and shutdown unaware that contempt is silently driving the wedge between them.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “No matter what I do, it’s never good enough,” it may be time to take a closer look.
The Emotional Toll of Living with Contempt
Contempt doesn’t just impact your relationship it deeply affects your sense of self. Over time, it can lead to:
Persistent shame or self-doubt
Anxiety, hypervigilance, or people-pleasing
Emotional withdrawal or numbness
Difficulty voicing your needs without fear
Contempt creates a nervous system response that says “I’m not safe here.” And when safety disappears, true connection becomes nearly impossible.
So... Can You Heal from Contempt?
Yes. The beautiful thing is contempt is a learned behavior, and what’s learned can be unlearned.
Healing starts by slowing down and becoming more aware of how contempt is showing up in yourself or in your relationship. Therapy can help unravel the deeper emotional wounds beneath contempt, and support both partners in developing new ways of relating rooted in respect and curiosity.
Ways to Begin Shifting the Pattern
Practice Appreciation
Regularly name what you value about each other the small moments matter most.Strengthen Emotional Regulation
Learn how to recognize when you’re getting dysregulated, and pause before contempt takes the wheel.Use “I” Statements
Replace blame with vulnerable communication: “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”Rebuild Respectful Boundaries
Set and honor clear agreements for how you’ll show up in hard conversations.
Resources to Support Your Journey
📚 Books
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman
Hold Me Tight – Dr. Sue Johnson
Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab
🎧 Podcasts
Unlocking Us – Brené Brown
Therapy Chat
🛠️ Tools
The Gottman Institute: Tools & workshops on the “Four Horsemen”
Feelings Wheel: A simple but powerful tool to help you name what’s really going on underneath
You Deserve a Relationship Where You Feel Seen and Safe
If you’re noticing contempt show up in your relationship or even in the way you speak to yourself you are not alone. At The Center for Integrative Change, we hold space for deep, compassionate healing. We specialize in trauma-informed, attachment-based therapy for individuals and couples ready to repair disconnection and build something rooted in mutual care.
✨ You are worthy of respect and so is your relationship.
Let’s begin the work of turning toward one another again. Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
About The Author
Alison Hochman has a master's in clinical psychology from California Lutheran University and is a Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT154392) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). Alison helps people break free from self-destructive behaviors and limiting patterns to live their fullest and most authentic life.
