Repairing Ruptures in Relationships
Repairing Ruptures in Relationships
Many of my clients are acutely aware of the ways their partners fall short — emotionally, physically, or sexually. They can list examples of neglect, disconnection, or unmet needs. But when the focus remains fixed on the other person’s shortcomings, they find themselves stuck feeling resentment, frustration, sadness, and despair.
Today, I’d like to offer a different path — one that shifts the focus inward, fosters understanding, and opens the door to repair.
1. Begin With Yourself
Before turning to your partner, pause and ask:
Why does this affect me so deeply?
When have I felt this way before?
What emotions does this bring up for me?
Often, present-day hurts awaken old wounds. Once you’ve identified the history behind your feelings, take time to process them with compassion. Offer yourself validation:
“Of course you feel this way. It makes perfect sense. Your feelings are valid, and I’m here with you as you experience them.”
You might also share your reflections with a trusted friend who can listen and support you.
2. Invite a Thoughtful Conversation
When you’re ready, ask your partner when would be a good time to talk — and respect their answer. Then share what you’ve discovered about yourself:
“I’ve realized that when I feel ignored, it stirs painful memories of being neglected as a child. I know you don’t intend to hurt me, but that’s what comes up for me.”
This approach shifts the tone from blame to vulnerability, making it easier for your partner to hear you.
3. Choose Your Next Step
From here, you might:
Set a boundary: “If I feel ignored, I’ll take time to soothe myself before re-engaging.”
Make a request: “Next time I feel ignored, would it be okay if I asked you to spend some time with me?”
Take responsibility: “I realize that when I feel ignored, I tend to criticize you. I’m sorry for that, and I’m working on asking for my needs directly.”
A Note on the Process
While these steps may sound simple, they take practice — and often, support — to integrate into daily life. Repairing ruptures is hard work, but it’s also deeply rewarding. I would be honored to walk alongside you and your relationship whenever you’re ready.
About The Author
Shoshana is a pre-licensed clinician supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
