What is betrayal trauma?
Before understanding if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, let’s talk about what betrayal trauma - and trauma in general - is. SAMHSA describes individual trauma as an event or circumstance resulting in: physical harm, emotional harm, and/or life-threatening harm. I would actually call that a traumatic event. I like to describe trauma as the negative effects that a certain situation has on our body and nervous system. I prefer to view trauma this way because it is less focused on a specific event, which can affect people very differently, and more focused on your individual response to it.
With this lens in mind, betrayal trauma is talking about your body’s physical and psychological response to being betrayed by a person that you are in/were in an intimate relationship with. The betrayal itself can vary widely: one-time, years-long, physical acting out, non-physical acting out, deception, etc. Betrayal trauma, while individualized to each person, has less variation in how it shows up. Below, I will cover some of the symptoms of betrayal trauma.
What are the symptoms of betrayal trauma?
In her book, Intimate Deception, Dr. Sheri Keffer talks about the symptoms of betrayal trauma being broken up into six categories: reliving the event, avoiding reminders of the event, feeling bad about yourself or others, feeling keyed up, daily life challenges, and length of time you have had your symptoms.
Here is a list of some of the symptoms in each category. It is not a comprehensive list, but it is a good starting place.
Reliving the Event
Flashbacks
Nightmares
Intrusive thoughts
Avoiding Reminders of the Event
Avoiding people that remind you of the betrayal
Avoiding places that remind you of the betrayal
Avoiding things that remind you of the betrayal (dates, events, objects), etc…
Feeling Bad About Yourself or Others
Thoughts such as
“It’s because I’m too fat”
“I should just get over this, why am I being so dramatic?”
“I deserved this”
“I’m so stupid for not knowing this was happening”
Feeling Keyed Up
Being easily startled
Being easily agitated
Having trouble concentrating
Having trouble falling asleep
Body, Work and Daily Life Challenges
Decrease in ability to work
Health issues arising
Undereating, overeating, etc…
Exhausted to the point of it being hard to function
The “Length of Time You’ve Had Your Symptoms” category helps assess how long the trauma symptoms have been happening and what specific diagnosis you would qualify for. Whether it’s been one week or five years since you found out your spouse had betrayed you, you can have betrayal trauma.
Can I be formally assessed for betrayal trauma?
While it is more common for betrayal trauma assessment to be done informally by self-report of your symptoms, it is possible to have a more formal assessment. Therapists who are specifically trained in the area of betrayal trauma can give you access to an at-home, in-depth, online questionnaire that will give you more information on if betrayal trauma is present and specifics on what may be contributing to the betrayal trauma and what may be a helpful path forward. This assessment is called the Inventory for Partner Attachment, Stress, and Trauma. This is a paid assessment that can only be done alongside a therapist.
How do I know if I am experiencing betrayal trauma?
So essentially, if you want to know if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, you can ask yourself:
Have I experienced a betrayal from my partner?
Am I experiencing any of the common betrayal trauma symptoms and are they interfering with my life?
(Optional) Has a formal betrayal trauma assessment shown that I have betrayal trauma?
Answering yes to these questions is a good indicator that you are experiencing betrayal trauma and would greatly benefit from reaching out for specialized support.
Meet Jorden!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, LMFT (154707), LPCC (22741) CPTT, is a lisenced marriage and family therapist. She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, son, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
