Healing My Individual Trauma While in a Relationship
Healing My Individual Trauma While in a Relationship
Many people ask me what it looks like to actively heal their trauma while being in a relationship. It’s one thing to do the inner work in solitude — but it’s something entirely different to hold your healing alongside another person.
When our trauma shows up, it can feel like we’ve become a burden. We may work overtime to keep it contained, trying not to make it our partner’s responsibility. But the truth is, healing happens in connection. It’s learning to repair, both with ourselves and others. And when intimacy and attachment are involved, our wounds often have a way of surfacing — sometimes in the most inconvenient, uncomfortable moments.
I often hear questions like:
“How do I navigate conflict when my trauma responses come out?”
“How do I honor my healing without overwhelming my partner?”
To that, I might compassionately ask:
What feels hard about letting your partner in on the messy parts of your healing process?
Is it difficult to receive support when you’re feeling vulnerable?
Does conflict feel like the relationship lives or dies in that moment?
Does shame take the wheel in the aftermath of disconnection?
These questions are an invitation to deepen self-awareness. Because the places where we pull away, shut down, or over-function are often the same places where we have a growth edge.
Here are some supportive truths.
You can be healing and be loved at the same time.
Your trauma does not disqualify you from connection. You are allowed to bring your whole, imperfect self into the relationship. You are allowed to be seen here, you are allowed to be loved here. The more we understand about ourselves, the more able we are to ask for what we need from our partners in a healthy way.It’s okay to let your partner see the messy parts.
Healing is not linear. It involves moments of beauty and clarity, but also fear, defensiveness, and shame. Letting your partner witness that doesn’t make you weak — it makes the bond more real.Your healing is still your responsibility.
Your partner can walk beside you, but they can’t do the work for you. This means tending to your triggers, nurturing your nervous system, and communicating your needs with as much clarity and honesty as you can.Conflict doesn’t have to mean collapse.
For many trauma survivors, conflict can feel like the ground is crumbling beneath us. But learning to stay in connection, even when it’s hard, can be profoundly reparative.Shame thrives in silence.
When we withdraw out of shame shame, we reinforce old narratives about being “too much” or “not enough,” but more importantly miss the opportunity to connect when it matters most. Communicating with your partner can bring light to issues that have stayed in the
Healing while in a relationship is vulnerable work.
We may need to let go of the idea of “having it all together” and instead allow another person to see us in process — unfinished and deeply human.
You are allowed to be both a work in progress and deeply worthy of love.
You are allowed to take up space in your healing.
And you are allowed to build relationships that hold both love and repair.
If any part of this resonated with you — if you’re noticing patterns in your relationships, feeling overwhelmed by your healing, or simply wanting support in navigating these moments — you don’t have to do it alone. You’re welcome to reach out to Clinician Jenean or connect with our Client Care Specialist at the Center for Integrative Change. We’re here to help you explore what you’re experiencing and walk with you toward deeper healing and healthier connection.
Meet Jenean
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
