A parable of shame
A parable of shame
Here is a person who is recovering from shame. They do not like themselves, do not feel that they are capable, worthy or deserving. They do not like that they do not like themselves. Things are knotted and tough.
They grew up in a home where they were both physically hurt and not protected.
Not being protected was the greater wound.
You don’t protect what you don’t value. That was the message they took, I have no value, anyways.
For a long time they numbed this pain with alcohol, sometimes drugs. They learned to find what other people wanted and make themselves that. What a sensible way to find a place in the world, to not be cast aside. Other people wanted them to be a carpenter. They worked hard and became good at it. But no matter how good they became, they were only good on someone else’s terms. So this idea of being valueless was reinforced.
This lead to more numbing and more working. Then more pain to the body and the being. And on and on until things broke and they fell in the pit.
The pit was a place where their devaluing way of dealing with their core sense of being valueless converged. Again, things are knotted and tough.
It was dark and lonely in there. It was so dark they couldn’t tell where the blackness began and their body ended. They were losing themselves.
That was until they saw the faintest star in that swath of night. It was their creativity, latent, safely hidden, but still glowing dim. Squinting by that light they began to see more of what was always there. Such as, they had built things for others, yes, but also for themselves.
So they began to create again, this time building furniture. It was hard. Accompanying every finished piece was the question— who am I to have created this. They criticized themselves reflexively. They tore apart the compliments they received religiously.
Bit by bit though, they began to win themselves over. Maybe that chair is solid, bends beautifully. Maybe I do know what I am doing. Maybe I do have something of value to bring into this world. (Maybe that thing is me.)
This is how they learned that the only way out is in. Into themselves, not out of themselves and into others, as they had always done. Into the parts of themselves that feel unvalued, untouched, unlovable.
Also, into the parts of themselves that still spark and sizzle and burn— parts that are sometimes only visible when it is so dark you can not see anything else. They saw that what they learned was a lie. Not that they weren’t valued as a child, that part was true, but that it was a lie that that meant they did not have value. They did, they would just have to now learn to give it to themselves.
This story is not over yet. We can’t outgrow how we were grown. We can, however, learn that who we are has value, no matter what we’ve experienced, and live our lives like it.
If this resonates with you, reach out to Alex or our team at the Center for Integrative Change (CIC). We are here for you.
Meet Alex!
About The Author
Alex is a licensed marriage and family therapist (CAMFT156085.) Alex’s experience includes trauma work, psychodynamic training, crisis intervention, and providing therapy in private practice High School and correctional facility settings. In his free time, Alex enjoys surfing and writing short stories and poems.
