Time-Outs in Relationships: How to Pause Without Pushing Your Partner Away
Time-Outs in Relationships: How to Pause Without Pushing Your Partner Away
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument that feels like it’s going nowhere? The same points keep circling, emotions are rising, and before you know it, you’re feeling shut down, angry, or disconnected from your partner. This is often the exact moment when taking a time-out can be the most loving thing you can do — for yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
But here’s the key: not all time-outs are created equal. Walking away in anger or shutting down without explanation can leave your partner feeling abandoned or punished. A healthy time-out, on the other hand, is intentional. It creates space to calm down, gather your thoughts, and return to the conversation with clarity and care.
The concept of a structured relationship time-out was popularized by therapist and author Terry Real. What follows is a simple, step-by-step guide summarizing his framework to help you calm conflict, improve communication, and strengthen your relationship.
Step 1: Hit the “Pause” Button
A time-out is meant to interrupt unproductive or escalating conflict. Think of it as pulling the emergency brake before the argument causes more damage.
Step 2: Keep It About “You”
Requesting a time-out isn’t about blaming your partner. It’s about recognizing your own emotional state and choosing to step back before you say or do something you regret.
Try This: I’m feeling really frustrated and need a break to calm down. I’ll come back when I’m thinking clearly.
Step 3: Take Responsibility for the Break
A healthy time-out requires two things:
Explain why you’re pausing (remember to use “I” statements).
Commit to returning once you’re regulated.
This keeps the pause from feeling like abandonment or punishment.
Try This: I care about this conversation, but I’m feeling really overwhelmed and don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’m going to take some time to calm down and will check back in with you later today.
Step 4: Use Clear Signals
Sometimes words feel impossible when emotions are high. A simple hand signal — like making a “T” shape — can communicate that you need space without escalating the moment.
Step 5: Follow Through
If you call a time-out, you must take it. This isn’t about asking permission — it’s a boundary to protect both you and the relationship.
If the home environment feels too charged, step outside for a walk, grab coffee, or do another calming activity. Safety note: if your partner physically prevents you from leaving, prioritize your safety and seek outside help immediately.
Step 6: Stay in Touch
Time-outs are not silent treatments. Checking in at agreed-upon intervals reassures your partner that you’re still engaged in the relationship. Terry Real suggests these benchmarks: 1 hour, 3 hours, half a day, a full day, and overnight.
Try This: I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m still taking some time to calm down, but I’m still here, and we’ll talk this evening when I’m home from work.
Step 7: Remember the Goal
The purpose of a time-out is to interrupt harmful communication patterns. It’s not about avoiding the problem but about giving both partners space to return to the conversation in a grounded, respectful way.
Step 8: Return Ready to Repair
When you come back, show up with openness and curiosity. Let go of tit-for-tat thinking. The goal is not to “win” but to restore connection and move forward together.
Step 9: Don’t Rehash Right Away
The first 24 hours after reconnecting is not the time to revisit the heated issue. Instead, focus on soft, positive connections — a hug, take a walk, share a meal, or spend quiet time together. Processing can happen later, once safety and calm have been reestablished.
Step 10: Know When to Get Support
If certain topics consistently spiral into conflict, that’s a sign that outside help could be useful. Couples therapy provides tools and guidance for navigating these sensitive conversations in healthier ways.
Conflict is part of every relationship, but how you handle it makes all the difference. If you and your partner find yourselves getting stuck in the same arguments or struggling to take healthy time-outs, that’s a sign you don’t have to do this alone.
At Center for Integrative Change, we help couples slow down, reconnect, and learn new ways of communicating that feel safe and supportive. If you’re ready to create more calm and connection in your relationship, we’d love to support you.
Meet Tess Krimmer
About The Author
Tess Krimmer, MA, AMFT (AMFT157358), is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961), and earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University. Recognizing that healing can often feel overwhelming and uncertain, Tess offers a supportive, judgment-free space where clients are invited to gently explore and make sense of the parts of themselves that may feel confusing, painful, or difficult to face. When appropriate, she integrates EMDR techniques to assist clients in processing difficult memories and easing emotional distress, empowering them to build a stronger sense of self and more fulfilling connections along the way. Off the clock: When not in session, I enjoy trail running, woodwork, and lounging at the beach with my black lab, Theo.
