The Holidays Aren’t Hard Because You’re Doing Them Wrong
The Holidays Aren’t Hard Because You’re Doing Them Wrong
For many people, the holidays don’t feel joyful, they feel exposing.
Old dynamics reappear. Your body tightens in familiar ways. You may notice yourself becoming quieter, more irritable, more vigilant, or strangely numb. And alongside all of this, there’s often a quiet question lingering in the background:
Why is this still hard for me?
If the holidays feel heavy, it’s not because you’re ungrateful.
It’s not because you haven’t healed “enough.”
And it’s not because you’re doing this season wrong.
It’s because the holidays have a way of touching places that were shaped long before now.
When the Nervous System Remembers Before We Do
The body doesn’t experience the holidays through logic, it experiences them through memory.
The smells, sounds, routines, expectations, and family roles of this season often activate implicit memories stored in the nervous system. These memories aren’t stories you consciously recall; they’re felt experiences patterns of tension, anticipation, longing, or self-protection that once made sense.
You might notice:
A sudden urge to people-please or stay “on”
Feeling small, invisible, or overly responsible
A desire to withdraw or escape
Emotional reactivity that surprises you
A heaviness you can’t quite name
These responses are not flaws. They are adaptations intelligent responses shaped by earlier relationships and environments.
Why Even “Good” Families Can Feel Hard
Many people struggle during the holidays despite having families that appear loving or functional.
This can be confusing and often comes with shame.
But difficulty doesn’t always come from overt trauma. Sometimes it comes from:
Being the emotional stabilizer
Carrying unspoken expectations
Feeling responsible for harmony
Suppressing parts of yourself to belong
Never quite feeling met or mirrored
Over time, these subtle patterns teach the nervous system to stay alert. The holidays often amplify them because they place us back into familiar roles sometimes without us realizing it.
The Grief That Doesn’t Always Have Words
For some, the holidays bring grief that doesn’t fit neatly into a category.
Grief for:
The family you hoped for
The version of yourself that learned to endure
Traditions that never felt safe
People who were physically present but emotionally unavailable
Losses that were never fully named
This grief can coexist with love, appreciation, and even moments of joy. Holding all of that at once can feel overwhelming and deeply lonely.
A Gentler Way to Move Through This Season
Healing does not mean forcing the holidays to feel good.
Sometimes healing looks like shifting from self-judgment to self-curiosity.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
You might gently explore:
What does my body need more of right now?
What would make this season 10% easier?
Where can I choose presence over performance?
Small permissions matter. Leaving early. Saying no. Taking breaks. Letting something be imperfect. These are not failures they are forms of care.
Simple Grounding Practices (Use One, Not All)
You don’t need to overhaul your routine to support your nervous system. One small practice can make a meaningful difference.
Before gatherings:
Place a hand on your chest and one on your belly. Take three slow breaths, lengthening the exhale. Quietly orient yourself to the room around you.
During overwhelm:
Name five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear. Let your body come back to where it is now.
After social time:
Give yourself a decompression ritual: a walk, a shower, gentle music, or silence. Transitioning matters.
Supportive Resources
If this season feels particularly tender, you’re not alone and you don’t have to navigate it without support.
Books
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
Apps
Insight Timer – grounding meditations and nervous system practices
Somatic Experiencing® guided practices (available through various platforms)
Calm or Headspace for brief regulation tools
Crisis Support (U.S.)
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988
Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741
A Closing Reflection
The holidays are not asking you to be more grateful, more resilient, or more cheerful.
They may simply be revealing places within you that are asking for kindness, pacing, and understanding.
If this season feels heavy, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It may mean your nervous system is speaking and deserves to be listened to.
At Center for Integrative Change, we believe healing happens not through pressure, but through compassion, safety, and attuned support. If you’re feeling called to explore these patterns more deeply, we’re here to walk alongside you.
Meet Alison
About The Author
Alison Hochman has a master's in clinical psychology from California Lutheran University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136501) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). Alison helps people break free from self-destructive behaviors and limiting patterns to live their fullest and most authentic life.
