Financial Conversations for Couples to Hav
Financial Conversations for Couples to Have
Talking about money and finances is not usually a fun thing to do. Well - maybe my husband enjoys it, but I sure don’t! If you are a person who enjoys talking about money, good for you. If you’re a person who finds yourself feeling flooded with emotion (the good, the bad, and the ugly) when talking about money, you are not alone.
Talking about finances can definitely be a big area of “stuckness” in relationships. But it is something essential to learn how to talk about. The very first thing I would say is learn how to soothe yourself when you become emotionally overwhelmed. You cannot have effective conversations if you are not grounded in your logical brain. I recognize that this is a huge first step that may require time and therapy - but it is 100% worth it. There are also a lot of online resources to help with this. If you are a bit nerdy and interested in the neuroscience behind it all, I recommend looking into the PolyVagal Theory. However, if you are more interested in the practical ideas of what to do about it, the Gottman institute can be a great place to start. Once you feel confident in your ability to not blow up on your partner mid conversation, these prompts below can be a good guideline for financial conversations.
Individually Answer & Then Talk About to Better Understand Where Each of You are Coming From
Before having a conversation together about money, I believe it is important to have an honest conversation with yourself. We may know what our beliefs about money are but have never actually put them into words. Start by answering these questions individually and then sharing your answers with one another.
How did your family view money growing up? What meaning did money have?
For example, “Money meant security. I remember my parents staying up at night talking about how they were worried about not having enough to pay the bills.” or “Money was never something I actually thought about. When I needed something, it just showed up!”
What meaning does money have to you now?
For example, “I believe that since I work hard, I have a right to spend my money how I want to.” or “I believe that money is something that should be saved for emergencies and that spending on things that are experiences or not actual needs for survival feels yucky.”
What values do you have around money? Is the way you are spending money aligning with those values?
This is an important two part question because just because you have values around money does not mean you are acting in a way that aligns with those values. Some values may include, "generosity" or “security” or “freedom.” If you need help here, feel free to use Brene Brown’s list of values.
Discuss & Answer Together to Create Your Shared Meaning of Money
What 3-5 values do we want to have about our money? Why are these values important to us?
Again, you can use the above list of values with this. Make sure these are values that both you and your partner wholeheartedly agree on. This may require some compromise, sure, but we want to make sure that the values around money are things that both partners feel comfortable committing to.
Do we have any separate values that we can’t come together on that we need to have separate money for?
Do either of you have values that your partner does not agree on and cannot commit to? If this is the case, can you agree to have a separate agreed-upon fund that specifically honors your individual need while also respecting the boundaries of the relationship? For example, if one partner values treating themselves and the other partner cannot get behind that, can there be a specific budget that partner has for treating themselves? And the other partner can have their own fund related directly to their value - such as saving. Perhaps this reveals some non-negotiables in the relationship. Be honest with yourself and with your partner in order to not build resentment.
How can we spend our money in a way that aligns with our values as a couple and any individual values that we have that the coupleship does not have? Do we need help with this, such as utilizing a financial planner?
This is similar to the individual question from above, but now looking at it together as a couple. Now that you’ve established your shared values, does how you spend your money reflect those values? There is no shame if you need extra help here. Financial planners can be a very helpful tool for both financial planning and savings marriages (I joke - kind of).
Start here and see how it goes. Ask for help if you need it. Have compassion with yourself because these can be emotionally charged conversations. Have compassion with your partner for the same reason. You got this!
If financial disagreements are creating tension in your relationship, therapy can help you and your partner improve communication, understand each other's perspectives, and create shared financial goals. Reach out to Jorden Groenink or the team at Center for Integrative Change to learn more about couples therapy and relationship support.
Meet Jorden!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #154707) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC #22741) in California. She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, son, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
