Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: What Happened Was Real
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: What Happened Was Real
There’s a heaviness you carry after narcissistic abuse that’s hard to explain. It lingers even after the person is out of your life. It’s in your thoughts, in your body, in the way you question everything—especially yourself.
You find yourself stuck in a loop.
“Was it really that bad?”
“Am I overreacting?”
“Maybe if I had just handled it differently…”
Let me say this clearly:
What happened to you was real.
And it’s okay if it took you a long time to see it for what it was.
No one teaches you how to recognize emotional abuse. You’re told to forgive, to try harder, to be “the bigger person.” You’re told to keep the peace. To give people the benefit of the doubt. That family is family, and love is supposed to hurt sometimes.
So when you’re being gaslit, dismissed, blamed, and manipulated—it doesn’t always register. You second-guess your gut. You twist yourself into a hundred shapes trying to make things work.
Most of us don’t find the words for it—narcissistic abuse—until we’re deep in the wreckage. And even then, it takes time to believe we have a right to call it that.
That’s where the healing starts: with truth-telling.
Why Letting Go Is So Hard
One of the hardest things to deal with is the idea that they may not be able to change. That no matter how much you explain, try, or sacrifice—they can only show up to the capacity to which they are willing to look at themselves.
Letting go of that hope? It can feel like grief. And honestly, it is.
In her book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, Dr. Ramani Durvasula talks about how healing isn’t just about learning—it’s also about letting go. Not just of the relationship itself, but of everything we built around it:
The idea of a happy family.
The hope that if we’re just good enough, they’ll treat us differently.
The belief that if we forgive, it will all somehow feel better.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. It just means you’re no longer trying to rewrite a story that was never yours to fix.
Trauma Bonding Is Real (and It’s Not Your Fault)
If you’re wondering why you keep coming back—or why part of you still misses them—remember that trauma bonding is real. It’s what happens when pain and affection get tangled up together.
They break you down. Then they offer just enough kindness to keep you hooked. That pattern messes with your head, your body, and your sense of safety. And it creates a kind of emotional addiction.
Leaving, or even emotionally separating, doesn’t mean you stop caring right away. It means you’re choosing truth over fantasy. It’s not easy. But it’s necessary.
Acceptance: The Shift That Changes Everything
One thing I took away from Dr. Ramani’s work is the idea of radical acceptance—and not the fluffy, “everything happens for a reason” kind.
This is the kind of acceptance where you stop fighting reality. You stop hoping the person will become who you needed them to be. You stop trying to win their approval or change their mind.
It sounds simple, but it’s not.
You might feel angry.
You might feel like you lost.
You might feel like you should be more forgiving.
But radical acceptance is the thing that eventually brings peace. Not all at once. But slowly. Quietly. In little ways.
Like realizing you didn’t feel as wrecked by the holidays this year.
Or noticing you didn’t jump to explain yourself when someone crossed a boundary.
Or feeling… lighter. Like the story no longer owns you.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Here’s the truth: healing isn’t a checklist. It’s messy. Nonlinear. Some days you feel strong, and other days you fall apart.
But here’s what healing can look like:
Finally believing yourself—even when no one else does.
Letting yourself feel angry, sad, or numb—without judgment.
Saying no and not spiraling afterward.
Recognizing red flags faster.
Feeling safe enough to be soft again, but this time with the right people.
One of the biggest markers of healing is that you stop hoping they’ll change and turn the energy back towards yourself. You stop needing their apology. You stop rehearsing the argument in your head. You stop looking for their validation of your truth and start choosing your own peace.
You’re Allowed to Choose Yourself
If you’re still in the thick of it, still waking up with anxiety or replaying conversations—you’re not behind. You’re not doing it wrong.
You are healing.
And no matter what anyone says, you’re allowed to let go. You’re allowed to move forward. You’re allowed to choose peace, even if no one else understands why.
What happened was real.
You’re not crazy.
And you deserve to feel free.
Referenced Work:
Durvasula, R. (2024). It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. New York: Rodale Books.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
