My Top Six Books for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts
Recovery from sex and pornography addiction can be a complex and deeply personal process. Selecting appropriate resources is an important step in finding clarity, guidance, and support. For many, books can complement sex addiction counseling or couples counseling, offering practical insights into urges, emotions, and the healing process.
Key Takeaways
Finding reliable recovery books can be overwhelming, so curated recommendations matter.
The most helpful books are practical tools, not just theory.
Recovery involves understanding self, relationships, and the impact on partners.
Awareness of beliefs, thoughts, and the language of emotions is central to change.
Recovery is a process with stages, habits, community, and relapse planning.
Different books address different needs—addicts, partners, relationships, and porn-specific struggles.
As the field of sexual addiction and pornography addiction grows, so too does its literature. It can be a little overwhelming to find trusted resources and books for sex and porn addicts and addiction that might be helpful in your recovery journey, especially if you're just starting out. That's why I wanted to share some books that I use all the time with my clients. The books below are for those struggling with sexual behaviors that have gotten out of hand and are trying to change. If you want to pick these up, try your local bookstore or use the links below. (FYI, I'm an Amazon affiliate and I make a little bit of money when you purchase using these links.) Next time I'll share some resources for their partners.
1) Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction (R. Weiss)
This hefty workbook is in its 3rd edition now, and for good reason: It's become the standard accompaniment to psychotherapy for sexual addiction and pornography addiction and is used by Certified Sex Addiction Therapists all over the world. Chapter six alone is worth the price of the book; it provides essential tools for relapse prevention and basic instructions to create your recovery plan. The workbook is so effective for sexual addiction treatment because it helps the reader to identify problematic sexual behaviors as well as the thoughts and feelings that immediately precede those behaviors. Linking these thoughts and feelings to their resultant behavior is critical in early recovery to preventing relapses and slips. It's also really great for providing a ton of education for those in recovery about the nature of sex and porn addiction, which can instill a sense of hope for those just beginning their healing. If you're curious, take a look-see here for more information.
2) Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal (B. Steffens and M. Means)
Many sex addicts and pornography addicts are either married or in long-term, committed relationships, and they often come to see me when their partners have found out about their out-of-control sexual habits. When I start working with couples affected by sexual addiction or pornography addiction, or with an addict alone, they're in great distress about their relationship. Many of these couples describe that they were hurting each other emotionally without realizing how deep the betrayal cut. The addict is often overwhelmed with shame and also fear that his partner will leave him. In these situations, addicts often have many questions: "What do I do now with my partner? What should I say? How can I save my relationship?" are but a few. I recommend it to clients constantly. Pick up your copy here. There's also a Christian version here.
3) Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts (ed. by S. Carnes)
Rob Weiss makes another appearance on this list and not without cause. In my opinion, this primer on sex, love, and porn addiction and how to heal is an essential text. In many ways, Rob's book complements, updates, or even replaces Patrick Carnes' Out of the Shadows, which was the classic introduction to sex addiction recovery (and don't get me wrong, it's still a helpful read). Sex Addiction 101 covers all of the bases. After defining and providing an overview of sex addiction, it discusses the causes of sexual addiction, addiction and online or digital behaviors, addiction interaction (when sex addiction pairs up with other addictions), sex addiction and sexual orientation, and how to give your healing journey the best start possible. Check it out here.
4) Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts (V. Tidwell Palmer)
"Hang on, isn't this a book for partners?" you ask. Yep. But oftentimes sex, love, and pornography addicts don't have an understanding of how their problematic sexual behaviors have impacted their partners. That's not to mention all of the denial, minimizing, defensiveness, rationalizing, justifying, and lying that they've used to cover up their behaviors. Learning about the full scope of the sexual betrayal and living with the addict's efforts to conceal their behaviors means that partners have been deeply and profoundly traumatized. Of course, this book was written for partners to help them understand what they're going through and to instill hope, but for that very reason, it can be essential reading for addicts themselves. Steffens and Means help addicts "get it": They understand the trauma of betrayal and reading their book is a great way for addict to better understand and have empathy for their partners' experiences and feelings, as well as why setting personal boundaries is vital in recovery. To get your copy, click here.
5) Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts (M. Lee, S. Carnes, and A. Rodriguez)
Written for therapists but completely accessible to the layperson, Skinner's book about recovering from pornography addiction addresses the unique contours of porn addiction and how to kick the habit for good. He starts with what porn addiction looks like and how it can progress, which helps the reader assess the severity of his or her own habit. For those wondering how to quit porn or searching for ways to stop porn addiction, this book is an excellent resource. I really like that he gets how unconscious beliefs about oneself and one's relationships can keep the person struggling with pornography trapped. He writes that the key to changing an addict's relationship with pornography is uncovering how those beliefs impact behavior. Through increased awareness of the thoughts and feelings that lead up to acting out with pornography, the addict can ultimately feel more empowered to make different choices. If you're struggling with pornography, you can check out his book here.
6) The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (B. van der Kolk)
Lance Dodes eloquently presents sophisticated ideas in a simple, straightforward manner. He explains that addiction is a way to manage urges and feelings, and each decision to act out sexually or through substance use is unconscious and automatic. The way out of addiction is increasing awareness of the overwhelming feelings that precede the urge that screams, "I have to act out right now!" This is especially helpful for those trying to quit porn or manage sexual addiction, as it highlights the deeper patterns behind compulsive behaviors. Want to learn more? Check his book out here. Active links on this page are affiliate links where I earn a small commission.