Finding Ways to Connect in Your Relationship
Finding Ways to Connect in Your Relationship
Have you ever been so caught up in your busyness that you find it difficult to take time to connect with your partner? If so, you are not alone. While we may intuitively know connecting with our partner is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship, our task-driven culture can make that difficult at times. Although we may not be able to change our circumstances immediately, the good news is there are practices we can implement that can make connecting manageable and meaningful. Let’s learn some more about this.
Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, who are marriage researchers and clinicians, highlight what are called “rituals of emotional connection”. In summary, these are simply rhythms you can build into your relationship that allow you and your partner to connect regardless of how chaotic life may be. While these rituals are not to completely replace spontaneous and longer moments of quality time together, they can help both of you feel more connected on a regular basis. So, what do these rituals look like?
While you may already have some rituals of emotional connection built into your relationship whether you realize it or not, hopefully these can help you become more intentional with them or give you some new ideas! Some examples the Gottman’s describe are:
Leave-taking: Ensure you know one thing that your partner is doing during the day before leaving your home
Reunions: When returning home, take a moment to meet your partner with a loving hug or kiss
Mealtimes: Have a plan to connect during meals where you ask about each other’s days. It can be helpful to have a structured plan such as sharing your highs and lows!
The reunion stress-reducing conversation: Give each person an opportunity to talk about what was stressful during the day so you can both feel supported. This can be done at any time, but it can be helpful to designate a specific time each day.
Dates and getaways: Have specific times where you can both be together alone, while your children are with a babysitter.
When one person is sick: Ask your partner how they like to be taken care of when they are sick, and make every effort to meet those needs.
If you find yourself already doing some of these things in your relationship, great! If not, take a moment and discuss together what you would like to add or change so that you can better understand what can benefit your relationship.
It is easy to get caught up in feeling the need to do the “big” things, but you might be surprised how small and consistent moments of connection can make a huge difference. If you know the feeling of being excited about something that is coming up in your future, you may know that the anticipation can be as good as the actual event! The same can be true when you know what to expect, hope for, and be excited about in your relationship (even in the little things).
Feel free to use these ideas to enrich your relationship, or come up with your own! If you need further help strengthening your relationship at any point, a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change can help.
About the Author
Alex Primo is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Integrative Change. With training in EMDR and additional training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, he finds great joy in helping men break out of the cycle of unwanted sexual behavior, and helping couples restore trust and intimacy. When he is not seeing clients, he enjoys playing board games with his family, learning magic tricks, and rooting for the Dodgers.
